Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
