It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize