You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
