Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
