no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
