Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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