Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
