i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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