I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
