mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
