I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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