I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
