just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
