I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
