I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
