Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
