I can text with my tongue
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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