So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
