I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
