I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
