His hands were made for my vagina.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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