My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
