I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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