The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
