My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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