I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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