they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
