We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
