It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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