all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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