I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
