We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
