I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
