Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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