Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
