Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
