I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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