So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
