So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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