I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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