and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
