Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
