the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize