she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
