Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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