Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
