He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
