the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
