How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
