it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
