if i can run in heels then i can drive
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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