I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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