I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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