where am i from again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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