so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Randomize
