last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize