woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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