I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think I sprained my soul last night
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
